Aut Viam Inveniam Aut Faciam: No Backing Down.

by Joyce Wachau Chege

I just turned a year older on February 12. This Latin phrase has, for me, been an apt reflection that I will either find a way or make one. I have been repeating it to myself for quite some time, not only as a mantra of bravado that I show the world, but also as a quiet promise I tell myself when I am alone with my thoughts, in my own world. I have been tuning into my own voice, choosing to continue forging on, no matter how uncertain the road ahead seems to be.

I remember staring at my phone when the clock hit midnight and I sighed. I went to my phone calculator and did some minus math, just to make sure I have the right age that I am turning! I sigh again. Someone flushes their toilet from above, The Big Bang Theory is playing in the background and I can still hear car engines roaring from the road. I sniff my t-shirt and tell myself I smell so good.

I stare at the small round mirror in my hands and smile because hey! It’s my birthday. I start thinking about my life. New age comes and finds me unemployed, but feeling more alive than ever. For some reason, they say the chapter you’re most afraid of will be your favorite one. And I hang on to this type of optimism. I have expected and waited to start panicking and freaking out, but it has yet to come. I am rooted in the belief that something good is in store for me. Might take some time, but I can feel it in my bones.

‎I am convinced that I will have to make things work. Not waiting for opportunities, but making them no matter how small, unsure and scared I might be when doing them. I believe in myself that much. That is why I started a small podcast project. To make sure people who might not have the time to read my pieces, can have them in audio versions, listen as they go about their business. It is still a work in progress, but I am so proud.

For this new chapter, ‎I am learning to forgive myself because of so many things I accepted to be done to me that I never agreed to. Things I let slide. Things that I never believed I deserved even when I knew just how much I deserved them. Times I downplayed myself just to make other people feel better at my own expense. Times I had to carry the weight of the elephant in the room because I didn’t want to address it. The offensive jokes I allowed even when it killed me on the inside.

Call it an apology letter to myself.

I am learning that life really does have a way of getting beautiful when you least expect it. Being surrounded by the people you love, people who check on you from time to time to make sure you are okay. A phone call or a text that makes your heart relax and keeps you grounded that you are here! You matter! You belong! And learning to meet people just as far as they are willing to meet me.

So, as I am pirouetting on the cold floor staring at the mirror, letting the small moments drench me, I am happy. Very happy! And that is how I know I am doing just fine! I have sat on the carpet, switched to the two seater sofa and the edge of my bed. I have stood on the cold cream tiles, admiring my white toes as I stare into the mirror, worried, on the verge of tears, happy and proud of myself. I have stared at the novel on my small round table and the big old blue and white notebook where I once wrote about that one guy I have liked and never got the reciprocation, as my way of coping.

I had at some point lost track of the days. Couldn’t tell them apart because they all looked the same. That is what unemployment does to you. But I have no regrets having quit a job that was continuously draining me. I am finally having peace that doesn’t need permission. Like I mentioned, I am happier than I have ever been. I feel refreshed and well rested, ready for the next chapter of my life.

When all is said and done, perhaps a birthday cake for this lady?