Grow First. Love Second. Always You First.

by Similoluwa Ifedayo

If Marriage Is Meant for You, It Will Meet You on Flight 302 to France.

Women, I need you to start putting yourself first.

Come closer.

I love men so much, but let’s speak plainly: the world is kinder to them than it is to you. Not because they’re better — but because society has been designed with a subtle leaning, a quiet tilt, a long history that places their desires ahead of yours.

Equality? It’s still a theory. And deep down, we all know it. Some have even accepted that full equality is impossible — that the best we can attempt is case-by-case fairness, pockets of equity in specific situations. But I’m not here to write about equality. I’ve written that article too many times. I’ll write it again in the future when the world annoys me enough.

But today is not about theory. Today is about you, my woman.

Let’s start with simple, everyday things. The things you’ve normalised so much that you don’t even notice how deeply they cut.

When a sacrifice needs to be made, everyone looks at her — “She’s the one who should compromise. She’s the flexible one. She’s the understanding one.”
When a relationship starts failing, the world drags her for not “keeping her home.”
When a man cheats, she’s advised to pray harder.

We don’t talk enough about the quiet ways women disappear — not dramatically, but little by little. The way you have been trained to adjust, compromise, bend, and bend again. The way your identity gets edited in tiny, almost invisible sentences:

“When you marry, you must take his name.”
“When there’s a sacrifice to be made, you’re the one expected to make it.”
“When a relationship starts shaking, they ask what you didn’t do.”
“When you want more, they caution you not to overdo it so you don’t ‘miss your timing.’”

And somehow, despite all of this, you’re still the one trying to prove that you’re worthy of love, respect, and effort.

It’s subtle, but it’s everywhere.

And one of the most dangerous things society teaches women is this:
Don’t build your life too far. You might marry soon. Stay flexible. Don’t stray too high or too wide. You may need to pause everything.

So you start shrinking your dreams before anything even happens. You decline opportunities because “what if I get married this year?” You avoid relocating because “I don’t want to build a life I’ll have to abandon.” You stay in a job you’ve outgrown because “let me manage, my real life will start when I settle down.” You postpone that business idea because you’re scared that success might make you “too intimidating.” You don’t travel, not because you don’t want to, but because you’re waiting for someone so the pictures will make sense. My woman, no man will miss his destiny because you travelled. If he’s meant for you, he’ll show up with his passport.

My woman, stop! You’re planning your life around a possibility, not a guarantee. Around a future that hasn’t even told you it’s coming. I hope it comes but stop, please.

Let me tell you something simple and honest: Marriage is not the beginning of your life. It’s something that joins a life already in motion.

Before you get married: Travel. Not because you’re running, but because the world should know your name before any man’s name is added to yours. Take that job in another country. Build your career, your money, your experiences. Start that business. Grow it boldly. Say yes to the opportunities you prayed for. Build friendships that feel like home. Make memories that belong to you first. Choose a path that excites you — not the path that makes you “easier to marry.”

Your life should not be on pause in anticipation of a ring.

Because here’s the truth: The best relationships — the real, stable, grounded ones — are built by women who already have a life. Women who know who they are. Women who didn’t wait for marriage to rescue them from boredom, emptiness, or timidity. Women who walked into love carrying their own destiny, not an empty space waiting to be filled.

Put yourself first by building deeply, intentionally.
Put yourself first by understanding that your dreams are not a distraction from marriage, they are a foundation for the version of you that will thrive in it.
Put yourself first by refusing to apologise for living widely, boldly, expansively.
Put yourself first by rejecting the idea that your ambition must be “managed” to keep you desirable.

And this part is important: Good men exist. Good men don’t fear women who are alive. They don’t fear women who have travelled, women who have built careers, women who own businesses, women who know themselves. Good men are partners — not limitations.

So build without guilt. Live fully. Stop waiting to be chosen before you choose your own life.

Because one day, when your daughter asks how you became the woman you are, you should not have to say, “I waited until marriage to start living.”

Start now. Build a life too big to be stopped for anyone else. Your life deserves to stand tall before anyone else joins it.

And yes… I hope love finds you. That ridiculously sweet man — the one who makes your stomach do the happy flutter without trying too hard, the one who notices your weird little habits and finds them adorable, the one who prays for you, the one who will fight for you when life gets messy, and still holds your hand when you’re screaming at traffic. The one who deserves all the brilliance, fire, and chaos that you are.

He’s out there. He’s waiting for the intelligent, fully alive, fully unapologetic you. He’ll join your life, not ask you to shrink it. He’ll make space for you to shine and he’ll love every bit of it.

Anyway… my future husband just sent me a DM. He’s offering chocolate ice cream, chocolate cake, and a private space hangout, so I’ve got to run [laughs in single life and crazy workload]. Byeeeee.

With love and all the chaos you can handle,
Simi, your woman.